The New Class
by Hazelline
Summary: Snape stumbled slightly and the contents of one of the bags exploded onto the floor. Redfaced, he swiftly collected a nappy, a dummy, a bib, a bottle and a tub of what looked like baby food from the floor.' NOTE: Old story.


_A.N. I think that I wrote this shortly after The Order of the Phoenix, as you will be able to tell from the inaccuracies. This story is absolutely ridiculous, and really does prove that I have always been this crazy after all. Ah well._

'Well, that wasn't _so_ bad, I mean, it could've been worse, it really wasn't that bad was it? I can't believe that was the _last_ NEWT exam, I mean, it's hard to believe it's all over. Oh, I do _hope _I did okay, I studied a lot for it, I mean, they're just so important, if you don't study for your NEWTs you might as well –'

'Be dead,' Ron muttered and Harry smirked. To Hermione, he said, 'We've been through this about a thousand times. D'you always have to talk about exams afterwards?'

'Well… no.' She pouted. 'I suppose not.'

'Great,' replied Ron, settling down underneath their favourite tree by the lake. 'No more exam talk.' He shut his eyes, looking blissfully relaxed as the sun shone calmly down upon the three of them.

'Not until our Apparition test, anyway.' Ron's eyes flew open again.

'Not until our -? _Hermione_.'

'What are we going to do now we've done all the NEWTs, anyway?' Harry asked, jerking his gaze away from the glimmering lake and back onto his friends. 'We can't exactly have any more classes, can we?'

'No,' agreed Hermione. 'Professor McGonagall told me we'd be having classes to benefit our futures. Cooking, cleaning –' Hermione's voice decreased suddenly in volume, '– parenting… That sort of thing.'

Harry and Ron caught eyes, then, as one, burst into raucous laughter. Hermione, sitting between them, rolled her eyes and opened her copy of _Hogwarts: A History._

'I can't wait to leave,' said Ron, stretching languidly. 'It'll be great not to hear the words, "Fifty points from Gryffindor!" or "Detention!" or "Two roles of parchment in for tomorrow."' Hermione shook her head, frowning.

'I _will_ miss Hogwarts,' she announced distantly. 'I'm looking forward to working, and doing something new in life, but… Hogwarts is…'

'Home,' Harry finished. Ron and Hermione looked back at him, and the three of them exchanged warm smiles. Harry grinned. 'No Dursleys!'

'Yeah, that'll be great for you mate. You and Dean still up for getting a place in London somewhere?'

'We're still looking to see if there's anywhere, but that's the plan, yeah.'

'Lavender told me she and Seamus are looking for a place too,' Hermione informed them, smiling. 'And Parvati and Padma will be close by. I wish I had a sister or a girl to move in with. The only girl I'd like to live with is Ginny, and she'll be back at school.' She sighed. 'But it's only for a year, then Ginny will be finished.'

'And Luna,' said Ron, grinning.

'And Luna,' Hermione agreed.

'Why d'you need to live with a girl?' Harry asked, his brow furrowed. 'Your parents?'

'Yes. But they're coming around, I've got an idea for who I could stay with and I think they'd be very –'

'It's not ruddy _Krum_, is it?' Ron interjected, sounded disgusted. 'Because if it is –'

'I wonder what the new classes will be like,' said Harry, trying to stop them.

* * *

She knocked nervously.

'Come in,' instructed the serene voice from inside. She pushed open the door, let it slide shut behind her, and, without waiting for him to greet her, she plunged recklessly into dialogue: 'Albus, do you _really_ think this new class is a good idea?'

'Most certainly, Minerva.'

'But the ill feeling it could cause! The shock! The embarrassment! Parents will be pouring in to tell us they disagree with it!' She huffed.

Professor Dumbledore chuckled. 'It is,' he said, lowering his glasses thoughtfully, 'an invaluable lesson. That whilst sometimes embarrassment and awkwardness may feel like a great barrier, once it is overcome you can achieve great things.'

'I hardly think _this _is something we have a place in advising students on –'

'Minerva, it has been a tradition to teach the students all sorts of skills they will need to possess after leaving Hogwarts. We've already trained them not only to enable them to acquire occupations, but to defend themselves should the need ever arise. Now all is left to do is to prepare them for the adult world, in all its splendour and horror.'

'Albus, I _really do think ­­_–'

'It's not as if you have to _say_ much, Minerva. All that is required of you is to explain the rules and observe. Why, this is the easiest part for the seventh year students! Cooking with the house elves, first aid with Madam Pomfrey –'

'- _Parenting_ with _Head of House_,' Professor McGonagall snarled.

'And now… this.'

'But! Albus –'

'Everything,' Dumbledore beamed, ushering her towards the door, 'will be fine.'

* * *

'I don't believe this. I think I've actually found something I _want_ to study.'

'And not too late, Ron,' Harry grinned. 'Just before we're leaving school and all.'

Ron looked dazedly back at him. 'That was the best class we've ever taken. _Ever_.'

'It beats Potions,' Harry agreed, yawning as they headed back to Gryffindor Tower. 'What did you think, Hermione?'

'It was fine,' she murmured brazenly. 'The sausages were a bit of a challenge. Mine kept going too hard.'

'Did you see _my_ sausages, Hermione? They were perfectly cooked, Dobby said so. Not to brag, or anything.'

'Not to deflate your ego, Ron, but I believe there was only one sausage. You _ate _the rest.'

'Well I couldn't help it!' he protested indignantly. 'They were so _good_.'

'Yes, well,' said Hermione. '_Devil's Snare_,' she added to the Fat Lady; the portrait swung open and the three of them stepped inside the common room, claiming some armchairs. 'I'm sure you won't be _quite_ so confident when it comes to some of the other classes.'

'Like what? Cleaning?'

'We had loads of practice when we cleaned Grimmauld Place in fifth year,' pointed out Harry. 'We don't even need charms.'

'I already know some of them anyway,' Hermione told them loftily. 'I've been using _Foldus Somnus_ to make my bed since first year.'

'There's a charm?' Harry asked interestedly.

'You actually _make _your _bed_?' Ron demanded disbelievingly.

* * *

'Is everyone here? Good.' Professor McGongall's voice sounded more stressed than usual, and Harry and Ron looked apprehensively at each other upon noticing this. 'We'll be in the Great Hall,' she explained briskly, and everyone followed as she left the Transfiguration room in the direction of the Great Hall.

Once seated, Harry, Ron and Hermione saw that all four Heads of Houses were standing at the front, before a table laden with large white bags. 'This is a class on parenting,' Professor Flitwick declared squeakily. 'We will now be giving out what you will need for it. Please sit quietly!' The teachers each grabbed one of the white bags from the table behind them and started making their way through the rows of students, handing out smaller white bags from inside the larger ones.

Ron made a strangled noise somewhere in the base of his throat as Professor Snape came closer to he, Harry and Hermione. Just as Snape approached, having extracted three of the smaller bags from inside, he stumbled slightly and the contents of one of the bags exploded onto the floor. Red-faced, he swiftly collected a nappy, a dummy, a bib, a bottle and a tub of what looked like baby food from the floor, along with a pamphlet with the headline _A parents' charms: Caring for your little witch or wizard_.

Harry and Ron waited just long enough for them to be out of Snape's strangling distance before they disintegrated into hysterical laughter. Hermione, despite herself, looked away from them, closing her mouth on a giggle.

'Quiet please, everyone!' instructed Professor Sprout imperiously. 'Professor McGonagall, if you'd like to take it from here.'

'I – what?' McGonagall looked deeply unsettled. 'Why me? I mean –' Harry and Ron shut their eyes simultaneously, willing themselves not to laugh, '– you're perfectly capable, are you not, Pomona?'

'Well, yes, but…' Professor Sprout coughed. 'Terrible cough, Minerva, you know…'

Professor McGonagall lowered her voice, addressing her colleagues. The students all leant surreptitiously forward, eager to hear.

'This isn't fair. I did it last time.' She held up a hand, apparently stopping Flitwick from mentioning something. 'No, Filius, don't say it. I _know_ I lost Dragons, Phoenixes and Serpents that time in the Staff Room, but that can hardly cover the next few years too!' She breathed very heavily, then turned back to look at the Seventh Years.

Everyone promptly pretended not to have been listening.

'If you could just… organise everything from the bags on your desks!' She turned back to the other professors, and everyone leaned forward again. 'Alright, I'll start. But you're all contributing too.'

'Ahem.' McGonagall cleared her throat audibly, so that everyone looked at her. 'As Professor Flitwick said, this is a class on parenting. If you care to look inside the bags we handed out to you, you will see that there are a number of items to do with babies.'

There were rustling and clattering noises as the students proceeded to do as she instructed. Hermione primly folded up the bag and set about arranging the items in a line on her desk; Harry shoved them vaguely into a pile and Ron opened the booklet, peered at something, then sniggered to himself. Hermione shot him a scandalised look.

McGonagall continued crisply, 'We will now be handing out a doll in which you will practise on. You will be learning to comfort, feed and care for the doll, which will have the same needs as a real child. Professor Flitwick?'

'You will need to be in pairs. Professor Sprout?' McGonagall shot him a deeply dirty look; Flitwick shuffled guiltily behind Sprout.

'We will put you into pairs now. Professor Snape?'

Snape faltered. 'Ah. We'll put you into pairs and hand out the dolls, and then Professor McGonagall can explain the rest.' With that, Snape, Sprout and Flitwick all hurried forward to address the students.

'You forgot the dolls,' McGonagall reminded them dryly. As one, the three professors winced, then crept back, taking two each of the dolls that McGonagall had Summoned.

'Nice vein,' Ron snorted, and Harry laughed. Hermione, however, shot them a very reproachful look.

Ron looked agitated. 'Oh no. What if Snape comes and pairs us up? I don't think I could stand to do this with Malfoy.'

'You won't,' said Hermione.

'Don't think that because of all he did in war he's beneath –'

'No. The pairs are boy-girl.'

'Uh –' Ron seemed staggered. 'Oh. Right. So one of us might be… well, okay then.' He blushed.

'Potter!' Harry stiffened. 'With Miss Patil, please, Potter,' said Flitwick, and Harry shambled awkwardly towards Parvati, to who Flitwick had handed one of the dolls. 'Weasley – Granger – stay together please.'

'Ah, great,' said Ron, as Flitwick distributed a doll into Hermione's arms. 'You'll do this easily. You always do things on the first try.'

'It's not _about_ cleverness,' Hermione scoffed irritably. 'Babies are _complex_.'

'Whatever. You'll do it.'

'_You_ should be paying attention! This is _important_, Ron.'

'Hermione, I'm hardly going to be around children anytime soon.'

'You're completely missing the point!'

'The point is that they can't find any other work to give us for the next couple of weeks, so they're making us do this rubbish!'

'It isn't rubbish! I feel sorry for whoever's with you when _you_ have children, Ron –'

'Now – _very carefully _– you must point your wand at the doll and say "_Enervate_,"' said McGonagall. 'As soon as you do this, it will begin to cry. You must comfort it, by rocking it, speaking to it softly, and offering food, drink or the dummy. Once you have done this…' Professor McGonagall's voice trailed off dreamily. 'Hold on,' she said.

Once again, she turned to address her three colleagues, all of whom eyed her uneasily. 'If I take over this class,' she began, as the group of students curiously inclined their ears towards the teachers, 'will you all promise I will have no further part in the remaining classes for seventh year students?'

'Minerva,' responded Sprout. 'All of us have to teach Legal Issues. We do them as Houses, not in one big group.'

'Actually,' cut in Snape in his greasy voice, 'the Headmaster has been setting up a new class which shall be taught as one big group, although he failed to mention what the subject was.'

'Exactly,' confirmed McGonagall. 'So, whatever this new class happens to be, will you all agree to teach it without me?' Snape, Sprout and Flitwick looked at each other. 'I'll do _all_ of the Parenting class,' McGonagall persisted; one by one, they nodded.

'_Enervate!_' said Hermione, swishing her wand. The others around her mirrored her actions, and the Great Hall was suddenly crammed with the ear-splitting blast of baby wails, and gasps of shock from the students.

'Stupefy?' moaned Ron, as Hermione stared, panic-stricken, down at the pink bundle – which for such a small thing was succeeding in making a tremendous amount of noise.

'Ron – I _can't_ –'

'Hermione, what are you _doing_?' Hermione was holding the baby at a decidedly precarious angle – its head, topped with a pink hat, was lolling uncomfortably against her arm. 'Look,' said Ron, putting his arms around Hermione, supporting the doll with one hand, and moving Hermione's grip into the right position with the other, 'hold her like that.'

'Okay. Can you…' Hermione looked… different. Confused, even. 'Could you try to feed her? Try the bottle.'

Thirty minutes later, Harry had made a mental note to make sure he never had children. He and Parvati had only just managed to get their baby – doll – thing – to get to sleep. This was by far one of the more unusual experiences he'd had at Hogwarts – and not many of his experiences in the past had been that normal, either. Ron and Hermione, he'd noticed with a touch of amusement, had been rather good at it.

'Oh, very good, very good, you two!' Flitwick praised Ron and Hermione, as he passed by observing the students. 'Excellent teamwork. But you know, as real parents it's even harder – these dolls are only responsive to the parents, not all the other noises too. Otherwise they'd never all get to sleep! I don't think you two should have much of a problem, though!' And he winked.


End file.
